Sadness of Shibari

I’m old. I’ve done everything there is to do in Shibari. All kinds of positions and knots, suspensions, outdoor Shibari. Everything. And now, as I look back, I realize I never accomplished my most secret intention for bondage. Now, I understand that there is a certain sadness in Shibari.

Shibari is many Shibaris. To put it simply, you can do Shibari for many different reasons: for its aesthetic beauty, for relaxation, to communicate through rope, and so on. In my case, I always enjoyed the power dynamic involved in bondage. I have a dominant personality; I know that from a very early age. And you’ll agree that domination over women is not acceptable nowadays. If I had clearly stated my intentions, I wouldn’t have found anyone willing to accept me. 

That’s how Shibari opened an opportunity for me. It turns out that some women like submission, despite what the activists say. And for those women, my way of dominating them through rope was not only acceptable, but fascinating. This was such a relief and a source of joy for me, that I thought I had finally achieved what I wanted.

And yet, there is a boundary in bondage that no master can cross. If a woman consents to play bottom, then you’re dominating them in a sense, but obeying them in another. By submitting to your will, you’re submitting to theirs. That is because there is a paradox in wanting to be dominated, which is wanting not to want.

And so, today, when I’m about to celebrate thirty years as a rigger, I wonder if I haven’t been fooled. Maybe, all these years I’ve been in the opposite side, and not where I thought I was. Maybe, the top is, in the end, the bottom.

That is the sadness of Shibari.