Hard Limits

Nowadays, it is common to think of ourselves as limitless beings. We believe we can achieve any goal we set for ourselves. We see ourselves as unstoppable. However, there are physical and logical limits to what we can do. Moreover, each person works within a psychological frame, and this means that, for every activity we do, there are limits to our performance. These barriers, either imposed by the circumstances or personally chosen, are what we call “hard limits”.

When preparing a Shibari scene, it is important to establish the hard limits of each participant. They work as signposts that tell us when we can’t—or shouldn’t—go further. Consent means agreeing to certain specific actions, but it also means agreeing to not do some things that the person considers unacceptable or unachievable. Consent is about what you want to do; hard limits are about what you wouldn’t do.

So, for example, a person might consent to bondage but set suspension as a hard limit. This means that they’re agreeing to getting tied, as long as the whole scene is done with floor positions. Another person might agree to light spanking, but establish it as a hard limit not leaving marks.

Hard limits are non-negotiable. Whereas participants might say no to some practice that they might later consent to, hard limits are unsurpassable. For example, a person might not agree to suspension right now, but may have the idea of trying it later, when they feel more confident and at ease with bondage. On the other hand, a person who refuses to include a latex fetish in a scene and has no intention to reconsider their position in the future is establishing a hard limit.

A final word: don’t see hard limits as a threat to your relationship. Rather, see them as a boundary. And this is a right to which both you and your partner(s) are entitled.