Ghost Shibari

It was like a dream. No, like a nightmare. At first, I used to recall it very vividly, almost as if I was there again. However, as time has passed, I remember in a less realistic way. It’s all dark and full of dust. I hear my ears buzzing after the explosion. I’m crawling away from the vehicle, which is now upside down. Then, I realize that I can’t feel one of my legs. I look, and I see that my left leg is gone. And I can only bring it back with what I call “ghost Shibari”.

Recovery wasn’t easy. I spent months in therapy, and the pain was so unbearable at times, that I almost became addicted to painkillers. That world of intense pain and sudden pleasure that I was living in, slowly brought me to Shibari. Through bondage, I learnt to accept both pain and pleasure. More importantly, I found pleasure in pain, and an even greater pleasure in overcoming pain. I became strong, and a master of my own emotions. 

However, I kept dreaming about the leg that wasn’t there anymore. And when that happened, I used to wake up crying and feeling miserable. Then, I gradually discovered that, whenever I was tied, I could feel my leg again. And that brought me a sense of completeness and a feeling of calmness that I urgently needed in my life.

I call this “ghost Shibari”, because it makes me feel my lost leg again. I don’t know if a psychologist would approve of this “therapy”. What I do know is that I feel good and that, after months of repeating this scene every week or two, I feel less anxious and more serene. I feel confident enough to hang out with friends and have dates again.

This is my Shibari story.